


Like Jam Laced With Cocaine

by Current521



Category: The Mechanisms (Band)
Genre: Drugs, Gen, Space Shenanigans, and they are not handled well, nastya gets bored, toy soldier and tim are both obnoxiously english
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-11
Updated: 2020-07-11
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:21:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25204633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Current521/pseuds/Current521
Summary: Nastya gets bored, near a planet that she knows sells jam made with cocaine rather than sugar. She enlists the Toy Soldier for... An experiment in Mechanisms and drugs.
Comments: 5
Kudos: 79





	Like Jam Laced With Cocaine

**Author's Note:**

> Yes the title is a joke on the opening lines of Tales To Be Told  
> I gotta be honest, I do not address the fact that Nastya literally drugs the entire crew without their knowledge or consent, but it's the Mechanisms, we're not here for moral lessons, I just wanted to be upfront about that bit

Nastya was getting bored. Nastya was rarely bored in space — after all, she was with Aurora — but this time, she was getting bored. And a bored ex-princess was a very dangerous thing indeed. Especially when said ex-princess was an immortal space pirate with a penchant for engineering, violence, and fun, and direct access to all the cameras.

She enlisted the Toy Soldier for help. "TS!" It was alone in the hallway.

"Princess! It Is Jolly Good To See You!"

"You too, TS." Nastya gestured for it to come closer. "Here, I have something fun for us to do."

"Oh That Sounds Like Jolly Good Fun." The Toy Soldier followed Nastya onto the engine deck, where they'd be reasonably undisturbed. "What Is Your Plan, Princess?"

"Well, first, I order you to never tell anyone else about my involvement, no matter what." A direct order was better for the Toy Soldier, Nastya figured. One that didn't have loopholes. "Second, I need to get some supplies, but we'll be planetside in…" Nastya concentrated on Aurora for a moment— "A few hours, probably, so that won't take long. Third, I want you to make all the Mechanisms have evening tea."

"Oh Evening Tea Sounds Good! We Will Have So Much Fun!"

"We will." Nastya's smile widened. "Just make sure everyone is there, and that no one knows I planned it. Or where you got supplies from."

"Oh We Will Need Tea! And Scones And Jam And Cream!"

"Yes we will." Nastya smiled slightly. "And strawberries. And chocolate. And biscuits."

"This Will Be A Good Evening!" The Toy Soldier looked positively delighted, which wasn't unusual, but it looked slightly less painted, slightly more real. Nastya made a mental note to test the Toy Soldier's perceived humanity as relating to its mood. "A Very Good Evening Indeed!"

"Yes." Nastya gently pushed the Toy Soldier towards the door. "Now go, TS, before the others see you. And remember, not a word of this to anyone!"

"I Will Keep Your Secrets, Princess!" The Toy Soldier left.

There was a decidedly humorous tone to the thrum of the engine under Nastya's feet. "Don't give me that," she laughed. "It'll be fun!" She sat down and leaned her head against the panelling, feeling the questioning tone of the engine. "Not poison. If everything goes according to plan, neither me nor TS are gonna kill anyone. They might kill each other though." She knew it wasn't a good enough explanation for Aurora. "This planet is well known for making drugs more… Appetising. They sell jam with cocaine in it. It will just be fun." The Aurora disproved, that much was clear. "No one will get hurt. Well, not  _ permanently _ at least." Raphaella had run experiments; the Mechanisms weren't susceptible to addiction in the classic sense; Ivy, Brian, and the Toy Soldier weren't at all, due to their brains being mechanical, but even for the rest of them, there was no risk of physical dependency, and the psychological holdovers usually only lasted until their next near-death experience. Nastya knew this, and was just looking forward to seeing how the rest of the Mechanisms would react to the cocaine jam. "I just want an excuse to buy cocaine jam, really. I don't want to eat it myself, after all." She chuckled.

Aurora chuckled with her.

When they made landfall some three hours later, Nastya headed out. She'd done her research, and knew where to go for the jam she wanted — strawberry, since it was classic, according to the Toy Soldier — as well as where to hunt down a bakery for scones and biscuits and such nonsense. She liked tea parties, though, so it wasn't too bad.

The Toy Soldier had somehow managed to convince everyone to stay on the ship for tea. How it had managed without Jonny kicking it out or shooting it, Nastya would never know, but that wasn't important. What was important is that they were all assembled in the mess hall for tea. The Toy Soldier went around serving everyone.

"Where did you get all this?" Ashes asked suspiciously. "I didn't do a supply run."

"Oh, I'm Afraid I Cannot Tell You That, Ashes." The Toy Soldier smiled and put the jar of jam on the table.

Nastya suppressed a laugh. "We were all off ship, I'm sure it got it itself," she said.

"Probably." Ashes shook their head. "I don't know how much I trust it, though, but I suppose it can't kill us."

"There is a 100% chance rounded that the Toy Soldier is just trying to get us all together, and a 97% chance that its food is safe," Ivy said, reaching for a scone.

"I'll take those odds." Jonny loaded his plate with biscuits. "I haven't had these fuckers in centuries."

"Me either." Nastya went for the biscuits as well.

Tim grabbed a scone. "No clotted cream?"

"No  _ what _ ?" Nastya was used to many things, but some odd customs of her crewmates still caught her off guard. "Doesn't 'clotted' mean it's gone bad?"

"No?" Tim looked like he was about to shoot her. "What kind of  _ blasphemy _ —"

"We Do Have Clotted Cream." The Toy Soldier put a small container on the table. "I Went And Got It Myself."

"Great!" Tim grabbed the container and slathered what looked like half the contents onto his scone. "Toy Soldier, what the actual  _ fuck  _ are you doing?"

"Whatever Do You Mean, Old Chap?" The Toy Soldier was slathering jam onto its scone, with some level of glee.

"You put cream on first."

"It Really Doesn't Matter!" Nastya was almost certain the Toy Soldier was about to say something more, but Tim shot it in the chest.

"Blasphemy," he said and reached for the jam.

Nastya was impressed to see murder before the cocaine even kicked in.

In the end, through sheer coincidence, everyone but Nastya had eaten the jam, and everyone was seeing the effects. Nastya retreated to the engine with a screen and made Aurora show her the mess hall.

It wasn't as much of a bloodbath as she'd expected. Jonny was laughing maniacally, but Tim had taken his weapons away, so he wasn't shooting anyone. Ashes, however, still had a lighter, and while Jonny hadn't noticed yet, Nastya clearly saw the bottom of his coat being lit on fire. She laughed to herself, and felt the humorous tone of the engine as Aurora laughed with her. "He will be mad about that tomorrow," Nastya said, watching the chaos from deep in the engine where no one could reach her, should they be inclined to try.

Even Ivy was getting in on the action, shooting bullets precisely through the gaps between Brian's fingers, which he struggled to keep still against the back of a chair. Nastya had been idly curious about those two; their brains were mechanical, so she hadn't been sure they could even feel the effects. Then again, she supposed, she'd seen both of them drunk, and it was much the same thing, biomedically speaking. She'd wondered about herself, too, since her blood was quicksilver and mechanised, but she could get drunk as well as Jonny; better, really, not that either of them would ever admit that.

The chaos slowed over time, but it took nearly a day before Nastya re-emerged from the engine. She found Ivy on the deck she emerged onto, arms crossed, clearly waiting. "Had your fun?" Ivy asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Considering that you left last night before the effects kicked in, and it seemed we were all drugged, there is an 89% chance that you were involved somehow."

Nastya shrugged. "I was eating, same as the rest of you."

"Not the jam."

"I don't like strawberry." Actually, Nastya loved strawberries, and it had pained her to pass on the ones offered at tea the night before, but she had had a ruse to keep up. "Guess that must've been what was laced."

"Yes, indeed." Ivy still stood stock still in the centre of the room, arms crossed. "Nastya, do you know where the Toy Soldier got this idea from?"

"No, not at all."

"Or the supplies?"

"No."

"Why were you out yesterday?"

"I had to get some parts. I noticed a few bulbs in the central engine degrading." Nastya was a good liar, but Ivy was a good bullshit detector.

"You bought the cocaine jam."

Nastya smiled kind of sheepishly. "Please don't tell the others."

"Why?"

A long hesitation. "Science?"

"Science?"

"Yes. Science. I wanted to see if it affected you and Brian. And how everyone would react." Nastya quietly put a hand on her gun; she wasn't much for shooting Ivy, but she'd do it to keep her cover for a few moments longer. "Please don't tell anyone."

There was a bit of a gleam in Ivy's eyes. "Okay. But you must promise to involve me next time, Nastya."

"I will. Thanks Ivy!" Nastya threw herself at the archivist in a hug; Ivy was the only one besides the Toy Soldier who didn't threaten violence at the first sign of physical contact.

"You're welcome." Ivy stepped back. "Do not drug me again."

"I will not," Nastya promised. "I am going to get some food. Hopefully without cocaine jam."

"Oh don't worry about that, it's all gone." Ivy grinned. "Let's go see how Jonny is coping with the hangover. You know, for science."

"Science," Nastya agreed and followed Ivy down the hall.


End file.
